Chapter 3

(Day 1)

After the “Kodak Moment” in the desert, it wasn’t that much longer before we found ourselves at our casino hotel in Laughlin.  I swear my grandma looked like a little kid about to go to Disneyland.  I’ve never met anyone who loves slot machines as much as she does.

While the little boys were getting some energy out by jumping on the beds, and Gus and I were flipping through channels, Grandma was nagging Mom to hurry up.  She was rubbing her hands together showing her excitement to get to her lucky “Blazing 7’s” slot machine, as she called it.

Mom had hurriedly left and come back once already to get pizza for everyone, so wasn’t too anxious to leave again.  After making her first evening call to Dad, who was already getting started on the front landscaping, she moseyed to the bathroom to touch up her hair and make-up.

“Delanie, if you don’t really want to go, just stay here and rest.  You did a lot of driving today.  I don’t need a babysitter.  I’ve got lots of experience in casinos.”

“No, I’m fine, Mom.  I want to go.”

“I’ll go with you, Grandma,” I chimed in.  Grandma smiled knowingly without answering.  But Mom had something to say about it.

“Nice try, Letti, but you’re staying here with your brothers.”  Sometimes I just can’t stand the way my mom talks to me.

Before long, they were out the door and heading downstairs while I was in for a wild night of the Disney channel.  Is that all I am…a babysitter?  I didn’t ask to have three little brothers.  I know she wants a break every now and then.  After 15 years of being a Mom, who wouldn’t?  Just because she was only 18 when I was born, I just know I’m supposed to be the one to give them to her since I caused her to lose her youth.  I know for a fact that Mom was sneaking out when she was my age.  So I figured, if she can do it, I can do it too.

I walked out of the bathroom after taking my hair down, re-scrunching my wavy locks, and putting make-up on.  I don’t wear make-up all the time, and when I do, it’s pretty light.  But every now and then, I experiment with different ways to do a night-life look.  So, that night, I knew how to make myself look smokin’ hot!

Quietly, I closed the bathroom door behind me so I wouldn’t wake up Cole and Walker who had dosed off about 20 minutes before.  I stepped into Mom’s white high heeled, open toed, sling back sandals, and grabbed a sweater to wear over my double layered “camis” of contrasting blues, one with a little bit more lace than the other.  Mom had left the room key for me just in case.  In case of what, I did not know, but this seemed a good enough “just in case” to me.  After slipping it into the back pocket of my jeans, I was ready to go.

Just as I started to head out, I heard Gus.

            “What are you doing?” he asked suspiciously.

            “Nothing.”

            “Where are you going?”

            “Nowhere,” I answered innocently.

            “You’re gonna get caught.”

            “Caught doing what?”  Sighing in annoyance, I opened the door and peeked in the hallway before turning back to see him leaning up against the dresser.

He just stared at me.  Augustus Adam MacEanraig knew how to give a death stare that could kill a zombie…several times.  After a few seconds of surviving his locked eyes, I turned my back on him and continued heading out the door.

            “Scarlett!” he belted out in a loud whisper.  I almost laughed out loud hearing my younger brother use my full name like a parent would.  I would have lost it completely if he had added my middle name the way Mom so often does.  I composed myself, swung back around, and pushed open the door that had almost closed behind me.

            “What, Gus?” I asked leaning back into the room and holding the door open with one hand.  

I thought for sure he would have been too engrossed in The Pirates of the Caribbean to notice me.  I was a little surprised myself that I was walking away from Johnny Depp. 

My patience was wearing thin waiting for him to finish lecturing me.  “What?!?” I questioned once more.   It was said so loudly, I heard my voice echo in the hallway behind me and saw Cole and Walker move around in their sleep on the far side of the room.  I started shushing the place even though my outburst was the only noise causing the disturbance.

            “You’re not 21,” he finally responded to my question.

            “And?”

            “You can’t go to the casino.”

            “What makes you think I’m going to the casino?”

            “Oh, you’re not going to the casino?”  What a punk talking to me that way, moving his head in sync with every word as if he just knows-it-all.

            “No,” I snapped back and then second guessed my wisdom to keep him in the dark.  “Well, yes…maybe….”  Again with the death stare.  “I’m just gonna take a peek.”

Silence!  Pure silence!  With arms folded across his chest, he looked pretty intimidating for an eight year old, but I was determined.  So I gave a “haha” smirk, stepped back from the door so it could close between us, and waved good-bye to Gus.

There was a deafening silence in the hallway after the sound of the door shutting stopped echoing in my head.  I looked down both the right and the left corridors.  Our room was right in the middle.  I was alone.  For a moment I hesitated, thinking about my brothers and what Gus had said to me.  Then I put it out of my mind. 

Searching for the elevator, I saw the sign pointing at an alcove to my right and breathed deep getting the courage up to step in that direction.  I held my breath for a moment, shifted my weight to take a step, and then the silence broke.  Slowly, the hotel room door clicked open, and I turned to see little Cole standing there blinking his sleepy eyes trying to adjust to the hallway light.  Hovering behind him was Gus holding the door.

“Cole woke up when the door closed, and he wanted to know where you were,” Gus informed me with a “haha” smirk on his face, and of course, he was waving at me.  I actually felt relieved seeing my beloved baby brother.

“I was looking for bad guys,” I said as I walked swiftly back into the room swooping Cole into my arms.  “None out there…now it’s back to bed for you.  We’re all safe,” I said, not missing a beat.  My little Cole Clayton MacEanraig was none the wiser.  I sneaked several tickles and gave him one gigantic raspberry once I got him into his bed where Walker was soundly sleeping, dead to the world.  Then I savored a long hug coupled with an exaggerated “mmmm…mmph” before speaking with authority for him to close his eyes and go right to sleep.

“Mom’s ‘n ‘sino?”

“Yep!  Mom’s in the casino.  She and Grandma will be back real soon.  So, you better listen to Sissy.”  I pulled the covers up and tucked him in, and then I smiled as he kicked the covers off, flipped over, and scrambled into his favorite position hugging the pillow.

I didn’t even look at Gus as I walked into the bathroom grabbing my sweats on the way so I could change.  Climbing onto the bed, I grabbed the remote from his hand and flipped through channels.  I would’ve been perfectly fine watching the “Pirate’s” movie, but I was so mad at Gus, I didn’t want him to enjoy anything.  I stopped on the movie, “The Breakfast Club.”  Gus sighed then got up to get more pizza and soda. 

It was less than five minutes later when Mom and Grandma came through the door.  My heart jumped as if I was just caught sneaking back into the room even though I was innocently on the bed watching TV.  They were definitely back sooner than I expected, and I realized right then that I would have for sure been caught had I followed through with my plan.

            “You guys are back already?  Did you lose all your money?  Are we going back home?”

“I’m so sorry to disappoint you.  Should we leave again?” Mom asked while taking off her tennis shoes.

“I’m up fifty dollars.  And your mom played for almost an hour on twenty bucks.”  Grandma was always cheerful when she came out ahead.

“What are you doing?”  Mom shockingly asked, walking toward the TV getting more and more upset with every step.  “You’re watching ‘The Breakfast Club?’”

“I’ve seen it before.  It’s no big deal.  We couldn’t find anything else to watch.”  It was only a little lie.

“Oh, you couldn’t find anything else?  Really?  You’ve got access to the Disney Channel for crying out loud!  I don’t want Gus watching this!  Don’t they get high in this movie?  He’s only eight years old.  Come on, Letti!”  She grabbed the remote and shut off the TV.

My temptation to argue further was growing stronger and stronger.  Unable to let go of my bitterness being left as a “brother-sitter”, I couldn’t resist.

“Mom, he’s practically nine,” I said rolling my eyes.

“Ya, he’ll be nine years old next week.  What difference does that make?  That’s a stupid argument, Letti.  I can’t believe you!”

“They don’t smoke weed till the end of the movie.  It’s no big deal, Mom.  Why are you so mad?  I’m the one taking care of your kids while you’re off drinking and gambling!”

Mom’s eyes grew huge.  It looked like lasers were about to shoot out of them, and smoke would spiral out of her ears at any moment.  I knew I pushed it too far.  She probably had all but one glass of wine.  Grandma had just said that Mom only spent twenty bucks.  Sometimes I don’t know why I say these things.

            “Letti!  That’s a horrible way to talk to your mother!  How could you say that about her?”  Grandma started lecturing me while Mom tried to calm her breathing.

My mother’s eyes went from huge psycho lady look, to a squinting focus as she noticed something about me.  The more she tilted her head in fascination and growing suspicion, the more I realized that my hair was no longer in a pony tail and my face was all made up to go downstairs.  That’s not the way I looked when she left me an hour before, and I could tell questions were formulating in her head about it. 

Neither one of us was paying any attention to Grandma.  We were staring each other down.  I think I must’ve gone pale waiting for the questions to start pouring out of Mom’s mouth.  But instead she slowly nodded her head as if the obvious had just confirmed her notion of my guilt. 

            “Letti, are you listening to me?” Grandma finally asked.

            “Yes, Grandma.   I’m sorry,” I responded.

“You two need to get this worked out.” 

Grandma walked in between us, reached down to pick up Cole who was already sitting up in bed wondering what all the yelling was about.  Walker was still passed out cold next to him, and Gus was quietly sitting on Mom’s bed waiting for the battle to continue.  Grandma took Cole with her heading toward the door that connects our two hotel rooms.  In an afterthought, she turned around in the doorway before disappearing. 

            “Gus, would you like to come with us to the next room while they finish their conversation?”  She was nodding her head as an indication to Gus that he should say “yes” to the question.  It didn’t work.  Gus was leaning up against the headboard with knees drawn up.  He was balancing on his knees a paper plate that held a piece of pizza and an additional piece was drooping in his hand; his full mouth chewing on a bite.  I turned and saw him slowly shaking his head “no” without looking at Grandma.  He seemed fascinated at the way Mom’s eyes were locked on me.  He wasn’t about to miss the climax of this event.  No doubt, our showdown was better than watching TV.

Mom finally spoke in a very calm and monotone voice.  I’m sure she didn’t want to explode in front of her son, but it was obvious her words were coming from a very ticked off woman.

“Yes, Scarlett…thank you…thank you very much for watching my kids while I was off drinking and gambling…what would I ever do without you…thank you.”

I fully knew what she was really thanking me for.  It was for insulting her…for being rude and disrespectful…for insinuating something about my mother that wasn’t true just to make her feel pain.  Like I said, I don’t know why I say the things I say.  It also seemed that she wasn’t going to ask about my hair and make-up.  I wondered if she was truly going to drop it or wait until another opportune moment to interrogate me. 

I just sat there.  My head was hanging, and I finally told her that I was sorry without even looking up.  She answered that she forgave me, and told me to go to bed.  Slowly, I got up, slipped through the same door Grandma had just left through, and got ready for bed in the dimly lit adjoining room. 

After brushing my teeth, Grandma asked if everything was O.K.  I quietly answered her with a “yes” and climbed into bed curling up next to my little brother.  The light shining under the door from Mom’s room went out, and Grandma turned ours off completely leaving me in total darkness reflecting. 

Cole reached his neck up and kissed my face. 

            “Tank you, Sissy.”

            “Thank you for what?”

            “Takin’ care o’me.”

I wasn’t really taking care of him.  Gus was.  I was about to abandon him.  Feeling guilty, I struggled to find peace and knew I would not sleep well that night.

(Day 18)

Reclining in the front seat trying to relax and thinking about my botched attempt to sneak out, I surprisingly miss Gus.  With six and a half years between us, our relationship has always been more of a bossy big sister and a bratty little brother.  That first night of the trip was the first time we actually had a sibling bonding moment of a secret kept between us. 

                                           

I asked Gus later on during the trip if he had told Mom.  He said that he didn’t and that he wouldn’t.  Somehow, I knew that he never would. 

I was actually thankful he spoke up to me.  It really was his protesting that changed my mind.  I wouldn’t have stopped in my tracks like that if it weren’t for his face plastered in my thoughts, and the sound of his voice in my head. 

That night at the casino hotel, I was determined to race downstairs and quickly merge myself into the crowd.  I probably would’ve run into Mom and Grandma as soon as I stepped foot off the elevator.  But I never made it more than two feet from our door.  I was almost frozen with fear.  A good thing too for Cole’s sake, for it would’ve scared him to death if he thought I had left him.

I wish Gus was with us going to Fresno.  I’m kind of nervous about going there and seeing my cousins, Char’s sisters.  Only one of her sisters was there on Wednesday.  Tiffany and Will went to pick up their youngest daughter, Katelyn, from a rehab center in Santa Cruz Thursday.  That’s quite a drive from Fresno.  They must’ve left way earlier than we did.  Well, they probably aren’t getting much sleep anyway. 

Tiffany and Will had their first born, Charlotte Marie, when Tiff was only 19 years old.  They sure have kids young in this family.  That was in July of 1989.  Just about a year later, their second child, Alexis, was born.  My mom gave birth to me five months after that.  Then Cousin Tiff had a third girl.  Katelyn is 11 months younger than me.  That’s how close in age we all are.  I hear Katelyn’s been doing well with all the counseling at the center.  I hope the news of her sister’s death doesn’t throw her back into that evil addiction, but the odds aren’t good. 

The truth is, all three of those girls indulged in a dangerous drug scene.  When Charlotte was home that last weekend with her parents, they knew she was going through major withdrawals throwing her into angry fits.  They figure sneaking out of her window once again was driven by her desperation for another hit.  I wonder, if Charlotte had gone to a rehab, would other chains of events been prevented.  Was all this disaster due to some stupid illegal substance not to mention her choice of friends surrounding it? 

Not your average gateway drug, my cousin and her sister’s choice of meth had already done considerable damage to a few young girls in a few short years.  I’ve never even smoked a cigarette nor had a sip of alcohol.  Mom and Dad have offered a sip of champagne to me on occasion.  I never wanted it.  I always turned it down.  I had never tried weed either or considered it…I hadn’t considered trying anything before the trip we just took. 

I look at Mom and wonder if I will ever get up the nerve to admit the even bigger secret of what occurred only days after that first close call in Nevada. 

            “You look deep in thought, Letti.  Dare I ask what you’re thinking about, or do I not want to know,” Mom breaks my thought process after catching my eyes glancing at her.

            “Nothing, really.  I was just wondering what Crissy was doing right now.  I didn’t get a chance to call her when we were home yesterday.”  Another white lie, but at the moment, it’s better than the truth of what I was really thinking.

            “I’m sure she’s wondering about you too.  She had called, you know, and left a message for you.  Sorry I forgot to tell you.  Everything’s been so crazy.”

            “It’s OK.  I’m not ready to tell her everything just yet.”  My response is enough to satisfy Mom’s curiosity. 

Focusing on the road, she left me to slip back to where my mind had been taking me.  I think once again to the experience I had on our road trip that somehow left me unscathed.  What if something had happened sending me down the same road as my cousins?

I know Mom and Tiff have their own history of sowing wild oats.  I’ve heard their stories.  Yet, they both turned out to be responsible adults.  Why is it that some people can live life in that danger zone and then settle down?  Why is it some never get to continue living? 

Well anyway, Tiff, Will, and Katelyn should definitely be back from the rehab center by now.  I didn’t know what to say two days ago, and I probably won’t know what to say today. 

There was so much crying from everyone…except from me.  I don’t even know why.  Why would I be so emotionless?  One thing I know is there’s no one who can hold back his emotions better than my brother, Gus.  Even when he gets into trouble, he hardly cries.  If he was here, it would give us more of an opportunity to bond; we could be quiet together.

I know I hated going on that vacation, but I’d rather go back to that time rather than feeling the way I feel right now.  My stomach turns whenever I think about how they found Charlotte’s body.  She was rolled up in a sleeping bag in the back of a pick-up truck, one bare foot sticking out.   Now that’s an image to try to block out.

If only I was back in the hotel room that first night of the trip.  Even though Mom and I got into a fight, at least after everyone went to bed, I felt safe.  Though filled with guilt for the terrible things I said to her, I knew that it would all be O.K. in the morning.  Mom doesn’t hold grudges like that.  And everything was fine. 

Is it possible for life to be “fine” again…especially for Tiffany? 

Closing my eyes, I imagine myself in a comfortable bed with Cole happily snuggled up against me.  That night, he was protected from bad guys thanks to his big sister.  There really are a lot of bad guys out there, especially in Fresno, California.  I’d even say…monsters. 

Thank God, Gus stopped me from sneaking out, at least in Nevada.  Too bad he didn’t stop me in Oklahoma.  Guess I had to find out for myself what a bad idea sneaking out is.  I wish Charlotte had known what a bad idea sneaking out was.

Written by Amie Spruiell

Amie Spruiell After the Event © 2016